Top ten reasons why sleeping with a writer is the best thing ever (some of the time)

reading

Out on the inter-web, there are a lot of reasons NOT to be with a writer or even reasons not to BE said-writer, but what about the good stuff? Well, here it is chaps, my top ten reasons why you’d want to be with a writer (rife with typos no doubt because I wrote them when I really should have been doing something else).

  1. You will come home to most of the chores being done – washing, ironing, dishwasher (yes – verb), a stew bubbling away since 10 am, the bathroom re-grouted – you know, the usual. Either this, or you’ll return with your home in the exact same state as you left it (and them too – except they’ll have a laptop). Disclaimer: this might only be the case with writers who don’t have deadlines.
  2. If you’re lucky, they may – MAY- feature you in a story. Now, I don’t often write about real people, but I probably wouldn’t tell them if I had either. And I wouldn’t ask if I were you. Just don’t do it – ignorance is bliss.
  3. Most of the time, you will get first glances at their WIP, and most of the time you will probably pass up the chance to read it. There’s just too much, right?
  4. You are probably the only person who they’ll actually explain what the story is about. Everyone else gets the “What do YOU think it meant?” question thrown back at them. That also means you get to know what happens to the characters after the last sentence too. Lucky you!
  5. Most of us eat cake – and make it. There’s no doubt about that – the evidence is all over Twitter (crumbs and all). Our particular favourite is a book-shaped-cake. Oh, and they may just include you on the cup-of-tea round every hour to go alongside the cake.
  6. Many writers come with their own confidante – and this isn’t you – which you’ll be glad to hear. This is their cat/dog/hamster/pet cabbage/their own reflection. You must accept both writer and friend.
  7. You will not be bothered for hours at a time. Yes, it’s true. If you’re short of peace in your life, then marry a writer! Hours and hours and hours will go by during evenings, weekends, and holidays and all you’ll hear is either the tapping of keys or the flicking of pages. So if you want telly marathons, all night long game playing or boozing sessions, then feel free – we don’t usually complain – this is an opportunity for us! It’s time to write.
  8. You will have a lot of books. Now, depending on who you are, this could be a good thing, or a bad thing – either way, you need to make room. And yes, books come before CDs.
  9. They want to hear about your weird day, every day. Crazy bosses, funny shoppers, insane drivers. dreams – we want to hear it all. We’ll get our inspiration from pretty much anywhere.
  10. You will never need to understand yourself again. Yes, that’s right, your writer companion has done all the analyzing for you! Have you shouted at your Mum or lost it at a supermarket lately and have no idea why? Well, fear not, your writer companion knows why. They may write about it, but you’ll never know.

(11. And finally, and not really in the list because it may never happen – they may, one day, make a whole wad of money that they might share. Maybe. When you’re both dead. It’s not about the money, right?)

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